The Daily Gasp

(Next blog: The Nefarious Broadcasting Corporation.) Broadcasting back in time to the twenty-first century, it's the Daily Gasp and I'm your host. It's summer again here in Antarctica and the mutants are all coming back out of their hibernation holes for their annual migration to the coast. Please be careful when you are driving because they have very poor vision and hearing. A leading chemical manufacturer wants to restock the oceans with artificial fish. The fake fish will not be edible but may create the conditions to restore plant life to the oceans. And a terrorist with a baseball sized stone is threatening to smash a hole through our protective dome. He says he lives in a highrise and he used to play outfield. More at eleven.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Oversight Committee

Moving on to a local concern about the oceans. Apparently the sea life is dying. All in favour of overlooking this concern, say 'aye'. Aye. The ayes have it. And our economy is too full of shit to be sustainable. We're headed for the worst economic times since the Great Depression. All in favour of overlooking this concern, say 'aye'. Aye.
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The Televiligist

I know that many of my women followers are lost and need to know how they can repent of their sins. I have good news for them: God has given me the authority to be their sacrificial lamb. They can use my body to cleanse themselves of their sins. But they must hide nothing from me. In fact, they must outsin themselves to make sure that their souls are fully cleansed...
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Comedy Since 2006

By 2006, the laughs were drying up on TV. Someone needed to come along and push comedy into the new century. One man, a lone Canadian blogger had already proven his talent with plays in 2000 and short stories in 2004. In 2006 he began making daily entries, many of which took the form of humourous monologues. For George Carling and his flagging, funny friends, it was a prayer answered. He started out by lifting a blog about how a loving God wouldn't punish us, in order to see if he would be punished for it. When no punishment came it sent a signal to his funny friends on TV that the Canadian's blogs were open for plunder. The Canadian noticed what was happening to his work and it made his daily posts even funnier. But by the year's end he had to insist on punishing the network employees who stole from him. A week or so later he had a change of heart and decided to bury the hatchet. He figured that by showing that he could get people in trouble for committing fraud with his work, they'd leave him alone if he vacated the internet. But the evil stars wouldn't leave him alone. They were released and put in front of cameras to look innocent at the expense of their victim. They then went about building their fabulous careers out of their victim's abandoned work and taunted him until he was forced back online to protect his name. It's easy to see why these comedy superstars needed someone else to produce work for them. If they can get a thrill from committing comedy fraud, they have no sense of humour.
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Why I Dislike Banks

To date I've not authorized my work or my image to be used anywhere outside my one YouTube account or my one Google account. To date I've received no compensation for works of mine which were used commercially. The banks have no problem holding onto money, no matter where it came from. There's a vault somewhere that holds ingots made from the fillings of death camp victims. And all the fraud money that was made from criminals broadcasting my work is in a bank somewhere. Banks want you to think they're on your side but they can't poke fun at themselves convincingly enough because they think they are perfect. That may be why banks and corporations need to make you think they are poking fun at themselves with my work. Anyway, I'm sure you all know how some bank tellers like to humiliate customers with low balances. I think that when they do it to a customer like me, who is owed such an enormous sum, they are acting very much like the bankers who tend that vault full of Nazi gold. And if I ever get my hands on the money I am owed, perhaps I'll take it elsewhere.
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Worse than They Look

To date I've not authorized my work or my image to be used anywhere outside my one YouTube account or my one Google account. To date I've received no compensation for works of mine which were used commercially. I've listed imagination as the source of many of my scripts. The end result still depends on my experience. It was while homeless that I wrote of a public washroom with dogs who emerge from a hatch in the ground to drag users back to wash their hands. I had to be thinking of public washrooms to come up with that. When I started sharing my songs in 2007 I was on Employment Insurance benefits after a long career of full-time jobs as an industrial labourer. I had to work in each of those hard jobs to get ideas like Ouija board paint thinner, Vengisil irritating powder, Workplace Replicants, and so forth. Some of my ideas come from my living conditions, such as Hellville. My imagination would be worthless if my life did not furnish it with valuable applications. The ones who profited from my scripts didn't have to experience any of my problems. They never had cause for concern over issues like homelessness or social alienation. They probably don't even like dogs. And with a background in advertising and web design it should be no surprise that I write good advertising copy.
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Why I Use a Public Connection

I can afford a home connection to the internet but I don't trust the service provider here. I wrote a song that fits their advertising slogan and I've heard bad reports about their handling of personal mail. The other option is internet through the cable provider. I don't trust the cable provider. Whatever money cable customers have spent on comedy in the last six years has largely come from my pen. And no one has paid me a cent for my writing yet.
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Why I Don't Share Comedy Anymore

Feb 2016: Famous last words: I'm feeling just fine on this Friday. I always feel a little more energy than usual on Friday for some reason. I'm hoping to connect all those titles of my work to their corresponding pages soon. I hope my lawyers are able to take advantage of this new facility. It will also be useful for readers who wish to avoid my serious blogs. I'm not a parent but owning a song is like being the parent of a child. The song comes from you just as your child comes from you. That's why I think it's fair to compare what happened to my work with the kidnapping and sexual enslavement of one's child. And when people want to thank the perpetrators for stealing my work it's like all the satisfied Johns telling the child's parents that they are glad for what happened to her. Who wants you to thank these kind of monsters? NBC and CBC. NBC puts them back on TV to talk about their innocence after they were incarcerated for stealing my blogs. And CBC tries to restart their careers after they were kicked off their shows for stealing my blogs. These broadcasters look as bad as the offenders to me. The dirty perps in this case are not impoverished, inner-city-dwelling social outcasts with poor hygiene, as networks are so fond of reporting. Instead, they are nice, tidy, domesticated TV personalities and their media auxiliaries, all smiling to show off their impeccable presentation and expensive dental care. I could write a sketch about it, but it would only be stolen and used by the thieves to add to the severity of their offense. But if any of them are feeling bad about what they did today, why don't they write two hundred songs about it so I can steal them and use them to make their authors look like frauds?
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If I Were a Fraud

To date I've not authorized my work or my image to be used anywhere outside my one YouTube account or my one Google account. To date I've received no compensation for works of mine which were used commercially. I had some new humourous insights this morning. I won't be sharing them here. I have my hands full listing the four hundred and fifty violations of my copyright in my SCRIPTS: A-Z blog. I imagine when I'm finished that I will only be going online to report that I am not in jail or to clear up any other confusion which would be caused by constant malicious lies and false accusations. If I were a fraud, I imagine I'd be on my way to a party right now. Or maybe I'd be brushing up on my speech for the Grammy Awards or developing the script for my new movie. But they only let frauds have any success like that with my work.
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They're the Babies

Feb 2016: See how the TV's been leaving the victim to argue his innocence as in the opening paragraphs of these 2013 posts, alone against gangs of their corrupt staff in the street. To date I've not authorized my work or my image to be used anywhere outside my one YouTube account or my one Google account. To date I've received no compensation for works of mine which were used commercially. Can you believe they called me a baby? Take a look at how much work they took from me in MY SCRIPTS: A-Z blog. Aren't they the babies for wanting all of this handed to them? I'll try to have these tables linked to the rest of my blog by the end of the month.
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Putting My Knee in My Mouth

To date I've not authorized my work or my image to be used anywhere outside my one YouTube account or my one Google account. To date I've received no compensation for works of mine which were used commercially. My two front teeth were broken at the age of eleven as a result of a soccer injury. I ran up to kick the ball when my sixteen-year-old brother pushed me from behind, causing my knee to crash into my mouth. Too bad that when someone pulls a dirty trick on you like that it ends up letting others tell dirty lies about it for the rest of your life. I recall indexing my songs and scripts at the end of 2007. Here I am doing it again. It sure is a big job. Oh well, at least it helped those frauds to zero in on my best posts. Anyway, this index is a work in progress, so please be patient as I develop it and fine tune it.
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The Orphan Hater

Voice: When Curtis Stanford came home from his demanding job he had no tolerance for hard luck stories. (The Stanford residence. A young girl rings his doorbell. Stanford answers the door in his underwear with his beer gut hanging out.) Stanford: What do you want? Girl: (Cheerfully) Would you like to donate to UNICEF? Stanford: (Violently) GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE! (She flees and he pursues her to the edge of his property.) (The neighbour's front door. Stanford shows up with a housewarming gift. The neighbour greets him in a suit.) Stanford: Welcome to the neighbourhood. I'm Curtis Stanford. Neighbour: (Smiling sadly) Thanks. I'm afraid you caught us at a bad time. My father has just passed away. Stanford: I see. And is that your mother? Neighbour: No, that's my aunt. My mother passed away two years ago. (Stanford turns around and leaves without a word, taking his gift with him.) Hey, what did I say? Voice: Don't miss The Orphan Hater tonight, only on this channel.
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Daily Report

To date I've not authorized my work or my image to be used anywhere outside my one YouTube account or my one Google account. To date I've received no compensation for works of mine which were used commercially. And I returned that Les Paul guitar to the music store for a refund as I first said, just in case anyone's not clear about that.
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Lies Fail

These people who want to blame me for what happened should get together and party with all their fraudulent idols. All that dancing and laughing for calling me a liar when I was innocent. They had so much fun they can't stop now. And I'd rather collect disability than ever accept money to lie about an innocent artist, especially one who has made a pledge to charity. That's like taking the food out of the mouths of hungry children by twisting the shining truth of a great song into an evil, manipulative lie. All lies fail and then the liar is doomed. I want to keep looking forward to my future.
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The Schmooze

He is such a snob. He thinks he's superior because he's in journalism. He called me a sorcerer for being in advertising. Which block are you in, by the way? Propaganda and Public Enlightenment. Sorcerer!
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The Truth about Lies

It often takes a certain amount of mental effort to detect a lie. Many of the lies used against me are designed to discourage such efforts by providing immediate answers to lingering questions. I combat them by making regular posts in which I state the truth about myself in the plainest possible terms. It is normal for people to expect someone who writes popular work to have many friends. If such a person is a loner, he is vulnerable to dishonest attacks on his reputation to explain his solitary condition. This is why I regularly remind my readers that popularity is not a priority with me. If it were, I would have stayed online from the outset and would likely have 'made it big' by now. The wish for popularity is largely a result of classroom peer pressure, something which has less and less influence over one's life after one graduates from school. One who writes popular work is also expected to be rich. Since the business which profited from my work and left me unpaid controls much of the public mindset through its television networks and radio stations, it has been able to offer the public its own explanations for my poverty, explanations which are intended to preserve its reputation at the expense of mine. This is why I ask people to shun any information they receive about me from the commercial media at this time. Association is a powerful psychological tool often used by advertising to promote products. There are two types of association: positive and negative. The neighbourhood to which I am financially confined has a large population of narcotics users. I hope that I have proven in my daily posts that at age forty-seven I am in full possession of my mental faculties, something which would be impossible if I were strung out on heroin or some other narcotic. Besides that, I can't afford narcotics; I can't even afford tobacco. Lies which focus on my image or my character are intended to distract people from the quality of my work. From the stories I read about rich and famous talent, it appears that few of them are 'angels'. My guess is that many rock fans and comedy fans wouldn't even care if many of the lies used against me were true. They have an appetite for my work which only I can satisfy, and the lies they hear about me simply annoy them.
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Thinking Ahead

To date I've been a reclusive hermit. To date I've not authorized my work or my image to be used anywhere outside my one YouTube account or my one Google account. To date I've received no compensation for works of mine which were used commercially. I have been unemployed and have collected disability since 2009. I heard that Taylor boasted of knowing how to 'make money' with my music. How is she enjoying her money? My lawyers hope she made a big pile of it. So do the local Ministry of Welfare and my parents. Money appears to be the very last thing that comes to you when you get famous. It takes considerable stamina to endure to the day you are finally paid, but if it is your destiny to be both rich and famous, I'm convinced that it is a future which is as unalterable as the past. You may take steps on your behalf in the present, such as I did by visiting copyright lawyers, but it seems that the most critical conditions for your success will unfold automatically with the mere passing of time. While I may have not budged from my humble financial state in three years of constant posting, I do seem to have advanced in terms of my image and reputation. Most people now accept my ownership of works they initially thought belonged to others. In spite of a brief summer interlude, as they rolled out the local red carpet for people like Taylor Swift and Tina Fey's boyfriend, the days when I was laughed at and called a fraud seem to be behind me. Now perhaps the days when I am called a bum are coming to a merciful end. I won't be posting as many daily blogs for the time being because I am now engaged in the cataloging of my vast collection of original comedy scripts.
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More than Talent

To date I've been a reclusive hermit. To date I've not authorized my work or my image to be used anywhere outside my one YouTube account or my one Google account. To date I've received no compensation for works of mine which were used commercially. I am unemployed and I collect disability. I listened to my favorite music set last night: My 2013 Music Video Playlist. Have a listen. If you love rock, you'll enjoy this one-hour set. People say they want my talent, as if that were all it took to write my work. Not so. My work is an expression of my life and my attitude. My songs would not sound so authentic if I were an industry phony like the the Crystalids, Taylor Swift, Roxanna's Noisy Friends (Don't know their name), The Virtue Thieves (Don't know their name), Tina Fey, Tina Fey's boyfriend (Don't know his name), Jay Leno, Jon Stewart, Jimi Kimmel, Conan O'Brien, MAD TV, The Simpsons, Family Guy, and many others. These jerks all stole my work because they do not have my life and my attitude and are unable to produce such work on their own, no matter how talented they might be. And this work which comes from opposing the business makes their workers think I owe them a living. If I don't go out and sell my ass to the business immediately, they frame me and try to make off with my work behind my back. They've already done this twice in the last six years, in front of everyone's eyes. And didn't Taylor Swift play an illegal show here just a few short months ago? And didn't Tina Fey's boyfriend play a show here this summer - before he was carted off to jail? Whom do you suppose cleared the way for them? And if the workers are not trying to frame me, the commercial media is trying to frame me. Does everyone know what Dateline was really up to last year when you all thought they were on my side? I hope they were locked up with the rest of the offenders. Christ, you need the mind of Sherlock Holmes to stay on top of all this crime. I must tell you that if opposing the business brings this much strife, it is likely that none of the music or comedy you consume through the commercial networks and radio stations can be trusted. If the talent they push on you were like I am, many of them would be like I am, struggling to defend themselves against endless lies and false accusations and to recover mountains of work which was stolen from them. Instead, it appears that they 'sold out' for a far more comfortable life. Isn't it unreasonable that the business loves the pure sound of my artistic integrity so much but that they rejected me for having an 'inconvenient' attitude? My attitude is what gives my work its balls. Believe me, it takes much more courage to stand alone in an abysmal neighbourhood like this than to get up in front of a crowd of loving, brainwashed fans.
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For New Readers

I am going to restate my intentions. I am an artist. It is natural for me to share what is inside of me. I am overflowing with original material. I would behave exactly as I do in the middle of the Sahara Desert. I'm not interested in fame, but my work was stolen and used against me. This crime against me continues to dog me every day as I innocently make my way here, to the public library, to share my life and my experience, and I quite strongly feel that I deserve compensation for it. I have lawyers working on my behalf to secure this compensation. I mind my own business. I write my own songs. I write my own laughs. I do not attack others, but I defend myself and my fans. I would have stayed offline if I had not been taunted back online in 2010 by fans of those who stole my work. They should have left me alone.
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The Great Environmentalist

I'm here with the great environmentalist, and sir, tell us again how much carbon we pumped into the atmosphere last year. Four hundred and fifty billion gazillion tons. Wow! That is staggering! And please tell us how many tons we can expect to be pumped into the atmosphere next year. Sure. Just a minute. (He makes a call on his cell phone.) Brad? How many tons of carbon are you pumping into the atmosphere next year? (Pause) Thanks. Well? Five hundred billion gazillion.
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Attention Police

I recall the voices of a large group of workers who lived across the road from me when I stayed at the Hotel Europe. It appears that another such group have taken up lodging in a small grey house with a picnic table on its front lawn, a few doors west of my building. I did not like the boldfaced lie that I heard pronounced about me as I passed them on my way to this meal. I know I am leaving soon but I thought you might like the tip. I am tired of the hassles I have had to take from these kind of people.
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God's Equality

God's equality lies in the distribution of souls. Each of us receives one and only one soul. This soul is no greater or lesser than any other soul, unless we sell it to a corporation for money and chicks.
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God's Inequality

We seem to have no problem accepting Man's inequality, which is determined by money, but we steadfastly refuse to accept God's inequality, which is determined by things like talent and intelligence. Perhaps the population at large has a more agreeable attitude towards the gifted, but they tend to be shepherded by bitter billionaires at the heads of broadcasting corporations. If you possess no talent, money can make you feel superior to almost everyone and you are likely to resent those who appear to defy your authority with a God given gift.
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The Entertainment Show!

Booming voice: It's time for the Entertainment Show, with Guy Grady and Tony Tickler! (Applause. Enter two smiling, middle-aged men in rhinestone suits. One takes center stage with his feet hidden and the other seats himself at the piano with his hands hidden. An old, scratchy sounding recording of tap dancing and piano playing commences as the two men pretend to perform.)
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Canadian Culture Betrayed

Whether or not I am ever compensated for the crimes against me, I do derive satisfaction from yanking bad stars off the TV. People trust stars without question. Stars who lie and commit fraud are a menace. But networks who support them may be an even greater threat. NBC kicked that guy off SNL way back in 2010 when I started rewriting his standup routine. Why did CBC pick him up this year? What's with CBC anyway? Do they think they are the highest authority on Canadian culture? Does our culture come from Germany in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries? I guess that's all that's left over after they flush work like mine down the toilet.
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