Gentrification

Host: Welcome back to Gentrification, and this contest between Mason, a psychiatric patient from Riverview, Canada, and his unemployed, unskilled, alcoholic rival, Denis, is half over with Mason leading by twenty points. And now it's time for the table manners round. Gentlemen, would you seat yourselves? (They take their chairs and Denis leans forward with his elbows on the table. The host approaches him with a mallet.) And that's another ten point loss for Denis! No elbows on the table! (Denis quickly returns his arms to his side.) Bend your right arm please. Denis: Must I? Host: You must. (Denis reluctantly complies, and the host whacks the exposed elbow, coaxing a loud groan from Denis and cheers from the crowd.) Now that we are seated, we'll start with a nightcap. The meal will be pasta. Do we use white or red wine with pasta? Mason gets the first choice. Mason? Mason: Red. Host: And Denis? Denis: Red. Host: I'm sorry, red's taken. Denis: But that's the answer. Host: Hurry up or I'll fault you for holding up the game. Denis: But- Host: Say 'white'. Denis: (After a heavy sigh) White. (The host approaches Denis with a wine bottle.) The correct answer is 'red'. This time Denis loses twenty points. (He smashes the bottle over Denis's head and the audience cheers. Denis loses consciousness for a moment and needs to be revived by paramedics.) Denis, you may forfeit now or continue on. What is your choice. (Denis is unable to speak and the host leans in and pretends to hear an answer.) He says he wants to finish the game, folks! (The crowd cheers.) That brings us to the meal. Denis, since you have lost the last three rounds on Gentrification today, you only get a dog dish. You will find it under the table if you get down on all fours...
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.